Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
