I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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