She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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