I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
as a side note pls kill me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
