Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize