I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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