Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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