It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
