Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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