Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
