also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Randomize
