I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
