Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize