Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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