i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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