Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
