if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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