and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
