hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
