I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize