she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
