Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
