The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
