it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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