Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
