My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
