she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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