she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
FUCK WHALES
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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