Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize