I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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