she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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