I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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