I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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