He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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