We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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