Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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