I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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