so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
