You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
