I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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