Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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