If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
