Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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