I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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