She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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