Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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