my vag is so smooth its legendary
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
