Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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