my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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