I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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