3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Did I show you my penis last night?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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