I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So many bounce houses so little time
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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