FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
