what day is it and did you see me today?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
