just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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