If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
