I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
