If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
