It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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