remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How does it feel to date your dad?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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