I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
