He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
