I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
